An OLD Writing

An Old Writing

This post is not meant to diagnose, treat, or save you from mental illness, if you or someone you love is in danger, please get help. You can text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a crisis counselor. I personally have.

http://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts

* Trigger warning! This is an old post that I saved from when I was in psychosis. I hope it doesn’t scare anyone; it was written from a place where my brain made no sense to me or the world. This is the first time I am posting one of my archive writings to the site. I wrote this is notepad on my personal computer. Please be gentle.

;Diablo.ini
;customize your “hotkey” msgs by changing the text below
[NetMsg]
F9=I need help! Come Here!
F10=Follow me.
F11=Here’s something for you…
F12=Now you DIE!

,.no you dont

hello its mew you are okay just 9 ten……one two 3 for five six 7m 8 0 ten do it agaiun one 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 do it again…gotmitbreathe vou87nt to ten
c on tewio four fiuve aux seven 8 nuivbe ten okay calm down now breathe yep okay 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 dpo it again you are ok your anxiety is lyyyying to yyyyou everything is going to beokay if you jsjust sit down for a second. remember who you are and what you are trying to do and accomplish in this world okay yeah,., you havent tralked outloud or said anything to any one out loud in about oh say ……no i need an EXACT time. okay yes i have an exact time lauren monday slept 5 hours on bwhish night was it? oh yeah she was at the alke okay doesnt matter. moving on now she slept 5 plus 5 hours over the weekend then rigth? are you SUREW yes i am SURE yes she slept ……my tren keyt wait your what…..my ten key is not working right now and my screeen is super bright….super bright? yeah. okay so your screen is too bright? yes.. okay welll Lauren MONDAY she slept 5.5… o

MY NAME IS LAUREN MONDAY AND I SLEPT 10…ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten ten tenb ten tebn hours over the weeekend
opkay lauren which weekend was it?

okay so i did sleep. but i havent fallen into REM in about *ABOUT) damn it my back hurts.. yeah like pretty badly… both kids are sleeping just fine and so is my husband….oklay a

are you acing? no real;ly i swear my computers arent even hooked up toi wfif wifi THE INTERNET right now.. the damn cats kept trying to eat the cord.. yah they did they were like hissing at i and fighting near it…didnt knock any glass over or break anything becuase i unplugged it before they got the chanve.. okay so back to what i was saying about wrtirighting writing wrting riu

sorrry i cant wait danwmn it yeah this is what happens when she tyryssss to write ior talk or explain…. things get in the way
what things? outside distrubances get iuntio my brain and i cant always fall deep into sleep. i know it is bc i have two kids and they dont always sleep thru the night…i have always beeen the one in the house who dosnt fall too asleep so that i cn be able to wake upoup. damn it i looked at the screeen agiain ….qwwewwwwwwllllllllokay i got FIVE hours of sleep saturday night ands now i cant sleep….. i took sat:two of my seroquel tablets no…..one at damn it hold on i kno the answer to this but ask me omorrow and i can !))^&&*&%^&^44444$$$$%%%% 100% TEL YOU THE OERCENT SICFEL ALSO SEEMS TO BE ON THE SAM ESIDE.. YEAH SHE HAS HER POLLS NECT TO HER BED….DID SHE TAKE ANY TO THE LAKEW? YEAH SHE TOOK THEM

WHICH ONES DID SHE TAKE TO THE LAKE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHICH ONES DID SHE TAKE TO THE LAKE?
I MEAN THE ONES SHE TOOK TO THE LAKE?
THEY WERE THE ONES SHE TAKES PERSCRIBED!!!??????? YES ALWAYS…

i always take my pills to the lake with me.. i have NEVER slep very well and i remember a whole hell of a lot let me tell ou. my memory is just fine tahnk you .short term and long teterm.. okay so its almost # am and….nah its like 247 i am guessing i dont want to look at the screen because it is too too bright… yeah way way way too bright. yeah okay welll here i am. and i am just wondering why at 1030 pm when it was time for everyone else to go to sleep.. i didnt want to. i am an adult of sound mind. i have been told that i can 1: take care of myself (this was from my medical records WHISH I DO NOT HAVE) neither does the psych center as far as i know.

so i was realsed from there because i can take care of myself.

the second time i went to the hospital for mentalk health……whoooow. lpong story ight? yeah but thats how i got to ZEPF so thats ALL THAT matters. erin smith is my psych. i have also been evaluated by MERCY hospital FLOWER hospital. sorry my youngest cat of coursse got in the way of the computer. but you know what? i can not SORRY I HAVE NOTHING…not yelling to apologiz for. i am okay, my kids are ok. my husband is ok. i am doing nothing WRONG with the exception of tonight when i went AMA. yes you got it. i went AMA (against medical advice and stayed up without taking my seraqul). i ALWAYS take my perscribed medication at bedtime. and now its almosat summer. school is out. annd even though i am finally working, for the first time in a long time yeah

paused bto see and pray i can JSS and save this . i put it in my windows… it toook me while too come oput of my transe to find it… what was the transe like? well it was kinda like a dream monday night like i laid down in front of the door and meditaed for really long time.. ho long? id dsay 2 hours at least.. i remember everything but the exact time? not sure.. i laid down at midnight….nope just after midnight so i laid down on tuesdasy sure didnt mean to..in front nof the damn door lol no the front glass door storm door why do the call it that?
storm door? if there is a storm isnt it going to break? maybe possibly probably? yeah probably ok

*That was hard to share, if you made it this far: this is what my brain looks like in psychosis. Thank you for reading. I got help since then, both inpatient, outpatient and therapy. If you or someone you love is in psychosis it can be hard to get help. I wish you the best on your journey. Text 988 for mental crisis help, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

-A Manic Monday