Out Of CoNtRol

OUt Of COntrol

This post is not meant to diagnose, treat, or save you from mental illness, if you or someone you love is in danger, please get help. You can text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a crisis counselor. I personally have.

http://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts

Have you ever lost control? Maybe you got drunk and had a one-night stand, or you acted out of anger and reacted poorly to a situation, punching a friend in the face. The times where we lose control can be some of the most terrible in our lives. We all want many of the same things: to be loved, to make a decent living, to be happy, and to be in control of our own destinies. The scariest thing of all is when you lose that control. When it slips through your fingers, and you are no longer behind the wheel. When something else takes over your brain. This is not a zombie virus; this is real life. Bipolar is in itself anxiety ridden, if you give it the chance to consume you. I myself have been crazy and back. You are not alone.  

As I finally sit down here at the computer, my head turns empty. I just don’t know what to write or how to explain all that has happened. To give you some of my back story: I have been there, manic, in that place between reality and fantasy. A space where you have thought that anything is possible and where your mind reels with possibility. This is not the place where your brain should stay. Yes, we all should have hopes and dreams, of course, but what makes the bipolar different is that once we fall into the cycle of grandiosity thinking, the next step, an all too close one, is psychosis. Is this the case for everyone? What separates us from other people? Doesn’t everyone have good days and bad days? The difference you will and should find for yourself, is that we are not always in control of our minds. They tend to take on a life of their own, run from us, send us overthinking, wondering, hallucinating in some instances.  

I have been there: “crazy”, the word that everyone throws around so loosely. “You’re driving me crazy.”, “No way that’s crazy”, “That would make me crazy.” But for those of us who have actually gone “crazy” enough to be put in or committed to the psych ward, the word has a whole different meaning. I myself have been crazy and have come back to tell you the tale. For it was not a zombie virus that took over my brain, but something else altogether. It’s truly unexplainable, but I will try my best to paint you a picture. Follow me on my journey to explain all that has happened to me and all that still is happening. My blogs are my dairy to you.

-A Manic Monday