A Dark Storm

A Dark Storm

This post is not meant to diagnose, treat, or save you from mental illness, if you or someone you love is in danger, please get help. You can text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a crisis counselor. I personally have.

http://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts

Depression comes into my life like a dark storm. It is something that can only mildly be predicted. As part of my condition, most of my days are spent in mania, where I am capable of almost anything, or in depression. The depressive state is the one everyone hates. It consumes you into darkness and turns even your most planned and joyous days, into dark and dreary ones. The darkness takes over and convinces your brain of the scariest and most disgusting things. It tells us “no one likes you”, “the world would be better if you weren’t in it”, “nothing matters”, “you don’t matter”, “all this is pointless”, “you shouldn’t care, because no one cares about you”, “why even try? its all for nothing”, “you can’t do anything right”, “everyone is better than you”, “no matter how hard you try, you’re always going to be sad”.

There is no quick fix to depression, there is no off switch. Yes there are medications and therapy appointments, however these are simply solutions to treat the symptoms; although, I am a strong advocate for both. I am in depression now and everything in my brain is telling me that no matter what, this blog is pointless. The people I am writing for do not exist, so why try? And that is the biggest question to it all: Why?

I am here to tell you that there is a why, I have been fortune enough to have found it. For you, it may be different. We all have to find our own purpose in life: that which gets us out of the bed in the morning over and over and shows us that there is some form of beauty in the world. As a stay at home mom, I always thought it was my children, that they are my beginning and my end. But what then am I without them. Once they start school and begin having their own social lives; where will all of that leave me?

So I developed a new reason: me. I decided to tell the depression that I am important. That although I can not accomplish very much while I am in this state, I can embrace it. For although I feel like depression and laziness go together, that too is a lie. Identifying these little lies can amount to finding some peace and happiness in the dark. For some can sit in the darkness, I find it scary and I run the other way; I can not let it consume me, for I feel that as failure.

You have to decide which part of the darkness you want to live in. It maybe a sadness that you feel will never go away. How can you trick your mind to leave that place? Could you watch a funny show? Stand up comedy? Or maybe you can tell that one friend, that always makes you laugh, what you are going through. We are so afraid that our darkness will rub off on others that we shut down at the thought of having people around us when we feel depressed. However, that is the time when we need support the most. That is the time when we need to eat chocolate!; it’s clinically proven to help.

So do whatever you can to stay a little happy. Is it a blanket that you love? A movie that has always been there for you? Is it a game on your phone or a place you like to scroll? I know it seems hard right now, but you have to pick one, just one thing that you can do a day. It’s going to look different for everyone. Can you take a walk? Whatever it is you decide to do, don’t let it be something that will lead you further into darkness. Don’t think that it didn’t work because it didn’t make you happy; it’s keeping you alive.

For those of us who suffer from depression often, staying alive is huge! You deserve all of the credit in the world for staying alive. Just existing is hard, I understand you. But you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are stronger than depression. You are stronger than the darkness that fights to consume you. Can you play some music that you remember liking? What about an audio book of your favorite author? For me, it’s a trip to the library that awakens my poor unfortunate soul.

Depression is not going to go away on its own. It is going to take some work on your part, but I know that you have it in you. I know that you can survive in it, even if there is no end in sight. You can do it, because you have already. Look at how many times the darkness has tried to consume you. You are winning at life by remaining. Sit in the rain, but look for the sun. Don’t wait for the umbrella, manifest it in a coping skill that you know works for you.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/coping-skills-for-depression/

-A Manic Monday