A Warped Perspective

A warped Perspective

This post is not meant to diagnose, treat, or save you from mental illness, if you or someone you love is in danger, please get help. You can text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a crisis counselor. I personally have. You can also call or text 988 for suicide and crisis help.

http://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts

I suffer from a warped reality due to my bipolar and my anxieties. For example, my brain often thinks it is in danger and starts sending signals without any real surrounding danger. My brain lies to me and tells me all kinds of things that are not true. I tend to think of the most negative things I can. The number one thing it tells me is that I am bad at everything that I do: I am a bad mom, a bad homemaker, bad at working, a bad wife, friend, daughter and sister. When in fact, I do know in my heart that none of those things are true. But it’s like my brain is stuck on a negative track, replaying all of my mistakes and none of my victories.

I also never feel a sense of accomplishment; I feel like there is always just so much more to do. When I clean one thing there is another to clean, when I straighten one room there is another to tackle. Even if the task is really daunting and has been on my plate and hard for me to get done for a long time, I still don’t feel that “whooo-who” moment of completion when I finally complete the task. It’s almost like, no matter what I do, it is never enough. I feel like my existence is just meh, like the world doesn’t need the things I accomplish and that it would go on just fine without me as a part of it.

Like who cares that my toilet is clean? Is it really a big enough deal that I have to scrub it after every time I use it? This is where my OCD comes into play and tries to kick my ass. Even going to the bathroom can be a hurdle: I always want to (and most of the time do) wipe down the tank and sides, quick scrub the inside of the bowl, wipe out the sink with soap while I wash my hands, take the hand towel and wipe off the mirror and the faucet and handles. It’s really no wonder that I am exhausted all the time; what takes one person a few minutes, turns into a full blow cleaning project for me.

This is usually me at my baseline: I love things clean. However, there is a darkness to that. A side where nothing ever feels clean enough and no amount of cleaning can make it feel “done”. I guess the truth is, my sickness is a revolving door, it just keeps going no matter how much treatment you throw at it. I think I am constantly chasing that small amount of serotonin that comes when things are clean, tidy, put in their place and shinning like new. As much as I am a maximalist and have many items in my life, the truth is: I would like nothing more than to throw it all away and live with the bare minimum.

Sometimes the items I own can soothe me and make me feel like my house is a home; other times it feels like everything and the walls are closing in and suffocating me. I can decorate for a holiday and feel a little joy in the decorations, then I look around and feel like I have so many belongings that I don’t know what to do with. But here I am, emotionally attached to almost everything I own, like some kind of memory hoarder. “Oh I got this when this happened”, or “my daughter used to love and play with that all the time”, “oh that item is rare and there aren’t many like them”, “that reminds me of the beach”, “that’s been in my family for years”, “that I used once and I never know when I will need it again but just in case I better keep it”. I think that may be hoarding behavior.

Maybe it’s perfectly normal to collect things, as long as there is some amount of room in your home and you don’t have rooms filled to the ceiling and pathways blocked, which I assure you I don’t. This is where my warped sense of reality comes into play. Why isn’t it okay with me to have a few collections of items. People do it all the time, some peoples houses are filled with a ton of one object over and over. They must do this because they are happy right? Those items bring them joy? Well my head tells me constantly that I am gross for having so many things that I do not use that often. That decorations are over the top and too much. That no one needs three different types of bowls, vases, kitchen tongs, lamps, candles, plants, end tables, china cabinets, computers, markers, notebooks, coasters, envelopes, pillows, blankets, bedding and what ever other items you can buy in a Home Goods store or at a garage or estate sale.

So what can I do about all these things? I could get rid of them if I don’t need them right? But again with the warped perspective coming in to punch me in the face. What if I get rid of an item that I may have needed? Some of this is because at my core I am frugal to a fault. I worry that I may need something and have to rebuy it. I worry about not having enough of something. This could be attested to the lower class conditions in which I grew up: we were taught to take care of what we had because we may not get another one.

Also, as much as I may want to get ride of things, that would require me to be active and make active decisions. However, my Bipolar makes it so that I am only motivated when I am manic, and yes in that state I often get a lot done and get rid of a lot. So why can’t I give myself a break when I am depressed or hypomanic? What makes me get so frustrated at all I have to do that I could and have scream about it? These are the struggles and warped type of thinking that someone, like me, lives with everyday. No matter how much I did today, I never feel like it is enough and I never give myself any grace for all the things I have accomplished. I constantly seek validation from others. I live for someone to tell me that my house looks nice, or that I did a good job. My husband knows this full well. And while it feels really good for him to say something, it is a warped perspective; I do not need outside validation for the good things I accomplish.

IF you feel this way too, just know: your brain may be lying to you. Brains do that, we can not control every thought. Something I have found that works for me is scheduling out my day and then making a list of all the things I feel like I have to do, to get them off of my mind. I try to correct myself whenever I am being overly critical about something. I tell myself “it’s okay, it doesn’t have to be that clean”. I explain to my brain that sometimes my need to accomplish so much is the overly controlling OCD in my brain. I want to have control over everything and be able to help everyone.

I want to be the sister you call when you need something, the daughter you can vent to, the friend you can count on, the mom that takes care of you, the creative one, the funny one, the smart one, the one that you want to have around. I want to do so much for everyone else that I lose my own sense of self. I forget to take care of me. Why do I matter? Because I am different and that’s okay. It is okay to feel this way. It is okay to be happy then sad, then motivated, then not, then energetic then tired. Bipolar looks like a roller coaster or a mountain range with peeks and valleys in textbooks for a reason. Because the feelings are all over the place, up and down and in and out. We are the ones who are never level, who are never consistently the same, whose moods fluctuate like the weather in the Midwest. Us with bipolar are never at a normal level. Never in the sweet spot of existing for a purpose; we either feel very high, or very low.

All we can do is use our coping skills, I could not do much today except stretch, blog and make smoothies. We had chicken nuggets and carrots for dinner. However, I managed to get both kids in the shower. So all the little things I did can add up to big things. I didn’t even mention that I got time for a nap, exercised my arms and back, cleaned the bathroom, picked up markers off my daughters floor even with a screaming back, edited a few of my old blogs for spelling errors, joined a few Facebook groups for bipolar, sold my daughters old play kitchen, watched two episodes of my favorite show, messaged my mom and asked about her doctor appt., and fed myself dinner. That’s a lot to type so it must be a lot right? Who am I asking?

I tell you that I am still waiting for someone to come home and tell me that I did a good job. I am still sitting here at the computer feeling overcome with self doubt and under accomplished in my day. Is it because I didn’t get to the dishes or the laundry? Is it because I stayed in the same clothes all day? Or is it because of my OCD and wanting everything to be perfect all the time. I tend to focus on all the things I could do, instead of all that I have done. I spent three months at home and didn’t once go to the ER or hospital for a psychotic episode; that alone is HUGE. I think that society’s view of how a person is supposed to live their life is so warped towards the “normal” person, that there is no room for what the person at home with two kids and bipolar looks like. The world has me so focused on the job I should have, or the house I should have, or the way I should be raising my kids and taking care of my house. Pinterest has me convinced that my house needs to look like it’s catalogue photoshoot ready constantly. Letting go of the worlds unrealistic expectations of what were supposed to do and look like, can help us who suffer from mental health change our warped perspective to one that better nurtures our feelings and episodes.

-A Manic Monday