Depression + Medication

Depression + Medication= Fatigue

This post is not meant to diagnose, treat, or save you from mental illness, if you or someone you love is in danger, please get help. You can text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a crisis counselor. I personally have. You can also call or text 988 for suicide and crisis help.
http://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts

These are the ramblings of a person with depression, lack of motivation, and fatigue.

I am tired. Beyond tired. No matter how much I sleep the tired doesn’t go away. I don’t want to do anything. I do not want to watch tv, play a game, color, clean, or even write this post. I am exhausted. Trying to live is hard. Trying to stay alive, when you don’t want to, is harder. Every thing I try just makes me more depressed because I can’t find excitement or passion in anything. I am defeated, I am becoming numb. I am taking the medication they gave me. This is the part of getting on a new medication that I hate: is it the medication that is making me feel this way? Or is it just the depression. Why? Why do I have to live through this? Why can’t I be like everyone else and get through the day even though it’s hard. Why does my body always feel like my mind does when I am depressed: down. It feels like I haven’t slept in weeks. Although I am getting naps during the day and a full nine hours at night. That sounds like a lot doesn’t it? Most people would argue that I am getting too much sleep. That exercise would get me out of this slump. Well I am here to tell you that I have tried that. I have been to the gym and I have tried to exercise, but it’s almost as if I am ill with fatigue. I am weak and can barely stay awake at the computer right now. I don’t want anything, even more sleep. I just want to not feel this way anymore. This is the worst part of Bipolar: the depression. I don’t want to reach out to anyone, although I have told my husband, so he know what to expect. We have a care plan in place for this reason. He knows what to do for me to make me feel a little better. It’s different for everyone. I know that blogging will some how help me in the long run. I know that writing about what is going through my crazy mind will help to explain to others and help them understand. It will even help my doctors understand. I want to want things, I want to feel alive again. However the darkness is too thick. I have a friend who would tell me to embrace it. I have other friends who would want to cheer me up. But there is nothing they can do. I have to ride this out I have to bare it. I have to try one hard thing a day. Today it was going to the gym. It was tanning, stretching, light exercise and the finishing touch of a hydro massage. I didn’t feel better after. I didn’t even feel like I accomplished anything. I still feel the same. Dull and boring, sad and lonely inside. Like there is no one and nothing to make me feel whole again. There is a lot to be said about depression on the internet, but until you feel it for yourself it is hard to understand. I can try all day and you will still wonder if there is a simple fix for it. There isn’t. Coping skills are really the only thing we have to fall back on. I have tried so may of them today. You can find my bog post: “101 coping skills” on my blog post home, or search it from the home page.

So why do I feel so awful? Is it medication? A major side effect is fatigue. So why do I do this to myself? Why do I continue to take this new medication? Because it can take up to six weeks to fully work. Because I honestly believe in it and I know that because of my Bipolar, I may need to be medicated for a long time, probably the rest of my life. So reader, if you are still here: thank you for staying and reading my ramblings. I am in a state now where my children are home and their presents gives me a reason to keep on trying. Spending time with them and just hearing their voices while they play brings me up a little. It doesn’t heal me though, there is a chance that only time will. Or that I will never be healed, just better. I want to be better. No one choses this. No one wants to live like this. An existence that is sad and bleak. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want energy, all the caffeine I can possibly ingest won’t help. Energy drinks wake me up a little, but not much. I tried hanging out with friends over the weekend and it helped a little; it made me happy for a while. But I still couldn’t shake the tired. I felt like I was boring and dull. I am sure my friends would gently tell me otherwise, but this is how I feel. I feel like a burden to everyone around me. I feel like I don’t work right. Like what is wrong with me is becoming a part of who I am, not what I have. I am tired. I am not making much sense, but depression itself doesn’t make sense. Why can’t I just be happy, why can’t I just find something I enjoy? Why can’t I get any drive? I sure wish I could.

-A Manic (Depressed) Monday