My OCD Lies To Me

My OCD Lies to me

This post is not meant to diagnose, treat, or save you from mental illness, if you or someone you love is in danger, please get help. You can text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a crisis counselor. I personally have. You can also call or text 988 for suicide and crisis help.
http://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts

OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition characterized by intrusive, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive, ritualistic behaviors (compulsions). These thoughts and behaviors can cause significant distress and interfere with daily life. 

Symptoms

-Unwanted thoughts, including aggression, or sexual or religious subjects.

-Fear of contamination or dirt.

-Doubting and having a hard time dealing with uncertainty.

-Needing things to be orderly and balanced.

-Aggressive or horrific thoughts about losing control and harming yourself or others.

For me, OCD looks like actually needing to do things in order to feel whole. I have to make things look perfect in order to feel balanced. When things are out of order, messy or all together dirty I actually get stressed. Not just a little stressed either: I get discouraged, irritated, and even sometimes angry. Often I want things a certain way so I can find them, I hate looking for things. Some people with OCD have to do things three times as part of their compulsions, I do find myself wanting to do things in sessions of three, however I can usually fight these compulsions. What I can not fight is finding my happiness and calm in things being tidy and clean. When things are in a certain order and when my house is free of dust, dirt, and hair I feel complete. My world actually hangs often on how dirty my environment is. It doesn’t help that I am a little bit of a hoarder, though I prefer the term collector. I like old things and I like things that have an emotional attachment to my past or the past of my children. Have I decluttered? I do it often, at least every three months. Is my home full of junk? No.

So what does this look like with my depression? I want to clean my house, I just am so discouraged and down that I am almost frozen from doing the things I know need to be done, and the things that I know make me feel good. It is at that time that I let some of the things go that would normally bother me. I still keep up with the light cleaning, but anything too complex my brain will simply not handle. It’s really hard to live with this two edge sword, wanting to collect and be around things that bring me joy, then on the other hand wanting to live in a house with minimalistic decor. I am sure someday my children will move out and take all of their things and I will be stuck here sad with less items and more space. I try to remind myself of this, but in the meantime I am at a loss. My OCD lies to me and tells me everything has to be perfect. That if the bathroom goes a few days without being wiped down, it is disgusting. I know deep down that this is not the case, but tell my brain that when it gets super irritated and everything feels gross. I get so down on myself. I begin to apply it to my worth. I begin to feel like a failure for not maintaining a clean home. This began long before I was ever a stay at home mom. As a child, I always wanted my room tidy and neat. I used to cry if my bed was not made a certain way. I would spend hours moving my room around until I found the perfect place for everything, and had everything in it’s place. Is some of this handed down? Was my grandmother also a perfectionist? Yes. However, my OCD goes deeper than just wanting to be perfect. It’s really not that I care what others think, although I do appreciate a positive comment. The fact that I let the cleaning effect my moods is the problem. I should not get so much value and worth from the cleanliness of my home. I don’t care what other peoples houses look like. Their messes actually put me at ease, they show me that I do not have to control everything. I think that’s what it really comes down to: control. If I can control my surroundings, maybe I can have some control over my brain lying to me all the time. Telling me I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough. The next post I am going to write is positive affirmations. Because they are things that everyone should tell themselves when their brain says: “You suck”. Remember that your anxiety lies to you too. It sends your brain signals that just aren’t true. It tells you: red alert, red alert. My anxiety and OCD go hand in hand; when things are out of order, my brain goes into full panic mode. Since I do not want to pass any of these traits onto my children, I have to try and hide it. I have come a long way, instead of maniac cleaning, I now delegate chores and schedule the ways I clean my home. I fight with my brain and tell it “everything is clean”, “this IS clean” even when I don’t always believe it. I tell myself you are safe, no one is going to be mad at you for keeping an untidy house. There is no one to judge you but yourself. Give yourself a break and some grace, you are doing the best you can with what you have. I sure need to.

-A Manic Monday