I Knew I Wanted To Live

My brush with Suicide

This post is not meant to diagnose, treat, or save you from mental illness; if you or someone you love is in danger, please get help. You can text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a crisis counselor. I personally have. You can also call or text 988 for suicide and crisis help.
http://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts

I don’t know where to start this post. I am only days out of the hospital and back home. I went into the psych ward with suicidal thoughts and ideations brought on by my medication, extreme stress, and a pain in my head that wouldn’t go away. Although I have been in the psych ward many times, this one was different. This time, I was envisioning ways to leave the planet. Nothings seemed to matter anymore and I felt dead inside. All the therapy and mental awareness I have still couldn’t have prepared me for the way I was feeling. I was beyond depressed, down, dizzy, fatigued beyond all measure, and losing my grip with reality. One wrong medication can do that to you. You only know all the side effects and red flags if you read the literature given to you at the pharmacy. Somehow, somewhere inside me, I knew I was slipping. I knew to call and get help and thank whoever you believe in that I knew right where to go to get it. This time was different, I have never otherwise been a danger to myself or others. Although, this time I had started to think about ways I could do it; I had thought of a plan to end it all. I was so scared, I knew in my own heart, I could not leave the ones that I loved, but even with all of my knowledge, I was unable to think clearly in the moment. I can’t tell you how, but I wanted to die. The pain in my body and mind was so intense that I would have given anything to get away from it; to leave this body in search of another.

I called for help from bed that morning, to my husband. I told my husband, “I want to die”, through heavy sobbing tears and he stayed on the phone with me. That is the best course of action for someone in my condition, my mental health condition that is. Keep the person on the phone and keep them talking and alive. I told my husband: “I need to go to the hospital again, this time for suicide”. I couldn’t get out of bed. My SIL came to my bedside, showed up like she always does: gentle, kind and understanding (this time she showed up super fast too). Through it all I could hear my children downstairs playing very well together, watching cartoons, caring about one another (one of them with a cough, I could hear it getting worse), and enjoying their time off school.

My SIL, my saving grace, the person who has always answered the phone when a call for help comes through, helped me slowly pack my bag for the psych ward (BHI) that I have visited several times previously for mental health. I knew what to pack, I knew what to take with me and I thought I knew what to expect. But remember reader, this time was different.

The rest is kind of a long, long story and it blurs together with faces, names, people, medications, and several different doctors. This time, I wasn’t my “normal” psych patient self: I did not, (cognitively) participate in group, focus on my care and well being, or even watch my favorite movie that I knew I could ask for and share with the other patients. I did not talk to as many people, I spent a lot of time in bed and I felt completely disconnected. I now know that this was due to a medication I should not have been on & a medical condition in my spine I was unaware of at the time.

I learned so much through all of this, as I like to do. I’ve soaked it all in and read about it all, talked about it all and now as always am writing about it all. As I lay here typing, I try not to focus on the physical pain. I adjust my posture: sit up straight, in a ball, lay flat, lay on my belly, whatever I have to do to keep typing. I am in physical therapy and learning a lot.

I can & will continue to:

• See & Talk, to family & friends a lot
• See my Physician regularly, 1x a year
• See my Physical therapist, 2x a week
• See my Neurologist, 1x a year
• See my Counselor, 2x a week
• See my Psychiatrist, 1x a month
• See my OBGYN, 1x a year
• See my ENT Doctor, 1x a year
• See my groups for mental health
• See my video games
• See my kids, pets, & husband
• See my blog

And through this all, I will take the healthy, natural steps towards living a healthier life. This is my pledge I have taken with myself. These are the steps I have used to advocate for myself. This is the way I have chosen to live my life. There is no other way for me personally. There is no alternative. I want to live, I have always wanted to live; aside from this time I am writing about of suicidal ideation. I will thrive, I will succeed, I will grow. I can.

You can too.

-A Manic Monday