This post is not meant to diagnose, treat, or save you from mental illness; if you or someone you love is in danger, please get help. You can text HOME to 741741 to be connected with a crisis counselor. I personally have. You can also call or text 988 for suicide and crisis help.
http://www.cdc.gov/suicide/facts
Why do I feel like I am missing out on my life? Why can’t I be like other people and plan elaborate vacations without having a demon on my shoulder telling me “but what if you don’t sleep, you’ll mess up the vacation for everyone.” I worry about going away with my friends because someone will have to watch me for symptoms and then babysit me if I can’t get to sleep. Mind you, this not sleeping, it isn’t a choice. It’s not like I chose to not go to bed, I have spent over 10 years trying to get to sleep while I am in mania; sometimes, there just is no answer. Although, I am getting better at my bipolar everyday.
I want more adventure. I yearn for it, but there is something holding me back: Bipolar. I don’t know how I got here. I used to be such an adventure seaker. I used to want to go off and explore new things, new places, new people. A huge part of me still yearns for that life. Sure, I still go on adventures, but I always have to make sure I have a backup plan in case my bipolar takes over. My adventures have to be small and carefully planned. For larger trips, I have to have an emotional support person and have plan in place just in case my brain decides to stay up for three days.
Being away from home can cause some major issues. For one thing, not having a routine can really mess up my sleep schedule. Living with an illness that can keep you awake for over 72 hours at a time is scary. Falling into psychosis is no joke and while I have never hurt anyone or myself, it does not mean I should be trusted while in this state. I am so lucky to have friends and family that understand this about me. I have people who I can check in with when I feel like I am getting close to slipping into psychosis. I have a good doctor and a set out medication regimen. I just wish there wasn’t a but to this story. Because my “but” is Bipolar and it’s a real pain in the butt.
So what can I do about this? How can I plan a big family vacation without worrying I am going to miss out on something and ruin it for my children? How can I go on an adventure with my friends without feeling like I will be a burden to them when I can’t get to sleep. How can I not worry those people who are counting on me for their good time? I am responsible for my own well being, however I cannot control what my bipolar does to me. I have spent years trying and I know I am much better this year than previous years. Although it’s scary in here. Did you know that the more times your brain goes into psychosis and mania, the more likely it is to come on again? So for every time I go into a truly manic state, I am increasing my odds of going into another psychosis again.
This year is different I tell myself, this year I can make it without going into psychosis. I have to give myself small victories: I have managed not to go into psychosis this calendar year. I have also taken one vacation with my husband that did not result in me in psychosis. So why am I still so scared? What can I do? I guess like anything in life I just have to take a plunge and try. I have to let go, plan for the worst, hope for the best, and let go of some of the feeling that I am going to be a burden to my husband or my friends (my emotional support adventurers). I really hope that one of my posts soon can include a big adventure I took that I came out the other side of without psychosis. Wish me luck!
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